If the Candidates were Horror Movie Characters: An Updated Guide to the 2016 Election

In a previous article, I discussed how presidential elections resemble the one-by-one elimination of astronauts at the hands of space monsters, and which specific science fiction character each candidate is.

As it happens, we are farther into the campaign and the expendable characters have started to drop away. It also happens to be October, aka Horror Movie Month, and so I have updated the WWBD Guide to the 2016 Election. This time with horror films, because that’s the other genre in which you can be guaranteed that characters will be eliminated one at a time.

First, let’s take stock of the characters we’ve already said goodbye to.

Who is already eliminated?

Four candidates are already out of the running, making them the equivalent of those slasher victims who are taken down in the first act.

Scott Walker is Kane in Alien

Oh boy, is he ever. I called this one in the last blog post, and I have to say that I was pretty accurate. As stated before: He looks and talks and dresses like he should be the hero and the one who makes it to the end, but it’s far more likely that we will see him as an unexpectedly early exit.

Rick Perry is Drew Barrymore in Scream

Big name, small impact. Barrymore was on the poster for the first Scream film, but didn’t live long enough to interact with a single character other than the masked killer.

I guess they needed one character to balance out all the brunettes.
I guess they needed one character to balance out all the brunettes.

I previously said Rick Perry was the equivalent of Randy Quaid in Independence Day. Turns out he’s playing even more of a bit part than that.

Lincoln Chafee is Matthew McConaughey in Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Next Generation

Yikes.
Yikes.

Right now, you’re thinking: “Matthew McConaughey is in a Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie?” Well that’s the exact same thing people are going to be thinking about Lincoln Chafee in a few years when they hear that he ran for president in 2015, for the 2016 election.

Jim Webb is Boyd Banks in the Dawn of the Dead remake.

Who? Exactly.

The Democratic Party

Hillary Clinton is either Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween or Sigourney Weaver in Alien.

jamie

And it’s worth noting  that while Curtis was eliminated in earlier Halloween films, she came back swinging in Halloween H20. Is this Hillary’s equivalent of the “twenty years later” reboot?

Will she make it? Either way, there is a sense of inevitability and invincibility.

Martin O’Malley is Paul Rudd in Halloween 6.

He’s cool. He’s hip. But it’s not his moment yet. Maybe in a few years. Martin O’Malley in 2016 is the same as Paul Rudd in the early ’90s: some young white handsome guy that no one cares about.

Will he make it? No.

Bernie Sanders is Jamie Kennedy in Scream

He’s bold, smart, snarky, and innovative.  He also seems to be relegated to “supporting character.” Chances are that Sanders will still be active and important when it’s the grand finale, but, like Kennedy being the non-romantic sidekick to Neve Campbell, Bernie will be the sidekick to Hillary, dropping wisdom and cracking wise.

They also both have great hair.
They also both have great hair.

Will he make it? Jamie Kennedy’s Randy was the unlikely survivor of the first Scream, and an unlikely victim in the second Scream. Either way, he’s a sidekick, not a protagonist.

The Republicans

Marco Rubio is Johnny Depp in Nightmare on Elm Street

depp

He’s a pretty boy at the beginning of a long career. And he is not gonna make it to the end of this narrative.

Will he make it? I just said no, but with this one, we have to refer back to the answer I gave last time about Rubio: he’s Affleck in Armaggedon. If he makes it, it’s on someone else’s ticket.

Donald Trump is Bill Murray in Zombieland

You know how sometimes, someone has one cameo scene and then they’re forgotten? But other times, the brief cameo moment ends up stealing the show? They might not make it until the end, but their impact will never be forgotten.

Will he make it: No. But he might be the most memorable thing about this whole spectacle.

Carly Fiorina is Amy Irving in Carrie

Unlike most of her GOP peers (Rand Paul being another exception), Fiorina doesn’t take shit from the awful bully (John Travolta in Carrie, Donald Trump in this sad spectacle of an election).  And she deserves some admiration for that.

Will she make it: Like Amy Irving’s Sue Snell, she might be around at the end but she still won’t be the main character.

Rand Paul is Josh Hartnett in Halloween H20

Josh Harnett portrayed the son of original hero Jamie Lee Curtis in the “20 years later” sequel. And while he and the young Paul have family  legacy and a bunch of determination, they still aren’t quite the main character.

hartnett

Will he make it? There’s a sense that this isn’t exactly his finest work. Let’s give him a few years. (Although Rand, as said before, also deserves respect for not tolerating Trump’s nonsense.)

John Kasich is Bishop in Aliens

He’s pretty cool, for a robot.

Realized I'm not consistent in whether I'm referring to them by character name or actor. Meh.
Realized I’m not consistent in whether I’m referring to them by character name or actor. Meh.

Will he make it? It’s hard to say. And it’s hard to say whether we want him to or not. It seems like we aren’t entirely sure who he is, but he could be a good guy.

Ben Carson is Robert Carlyle in 28 Weeks Later

“Oh, so this guy is the main character? Cool. Yeah, he seems pretty cool. Wait, what did he just do? That was a weird choice. Still a good protagonist though. Oh shit, that’s a strange choice. So is that. So is that. Okay, yikes, this guy isn’t the hero.”

This guy.
This guy.

Right now, we are getting lured into the false sense that Carson is going to be the last man standing. He won’t be, of course, but there’s this weird feeling right now that he could be.

Will he make it: No.

Lindsay Graham is Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense

A strange middle-aged man, wandering around, not realizing that no one he speaks to will acknowledge him.

willis
Sixth Sense Bruce’s only friend is a little boy who talks to ghosts. Lindsey Graham’s only friend is John McCain.

Will he make it? He’s failing to realize that he already hasn’t made it.

Jim Gilmore, George Pataki, Rick Santorum, and Bobby Jindal are all the fellow classmates in Carrie.

carrie-crowd-prom

They don’t have a chance.

Will they make it: Absolutely not.

Chris Christie is Vince Vaughn in the Psycho remake

Chris Christie should’ve called it a while ago. There is no reason he should be in this election. Likewise, there is no reason Vince Vaughn should have been in a Psycho movie. Like Christie’s campaign, that Psycho remake should never have existed.

Poor Vince Vaughn.
Poor Vince Vaughn.

Will he make it? 

Both Vaughn and Christie are fun guys. They’re charming. They’re entertaining. But this is not the right move for Christie, like Vaughn should have taken a year off rather than make Psycho.

Mike Huckabee is still Wilford Brimley in The Thing

As I said before, “He has some strong opinions. Very strong opinions. But his finger-pointing and suspicion of the others does not make him more likeable to anyone. He feuds with the main characters and gets hysterical over his own theories. At times, you wonder if he is someone’s bizarre version of comic relief.”

Will he make it: Still no.

Ted Cruz is David Arquette in Scream

The highpoint of David Arquette’s career was Scream, although he wasn’t the main character: he was just a colorful side character  who provided a few laughs.

scream

Ted Cruz is likewise peaking with a spectacle in which no one will afterward consider him the main character, but it is the most successful he’ll ever be.

Will he make it? He isn’t  going anywhere, but he also is never going to have center stage.

Jeb Bush is James Caan in Misery

james-caan-best-films

There’s a real sense that Jeb thought this whole thing was gonna be a lot easier than it is. And suddenly, he’s not sure he has it under control at all. He’s in completely over his head and it’s not going well.

Will he make it? If he does, he won’t be the same man he was at the beginning.

“Who will survive, and what will be left of them?”

This question was the tagline of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It also sums up the sad spectacle that is a presidential election: watching candidates attempt to win, often selling out and compromising their ideals in the process.

Want more in this vein? Check out more of WWBD’s Political Coverage.

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2 thoughts on “If the Candidates were Horror Movie Characters: An Updated Guide to the 2016 Election

  1. Pingback: If the Candidates Were Characters in a ’90s Action Movie: A 2016 Election Cheat Sheet – What Would Bale Do?

  2. Pingback: If the Candidates Were… – What Would Bale Do

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