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Donald Trump made waves this week by releasing his list of SCOTUS picks. He must’ve had some help from a buddy of his, as the list was conspicuously absent of either John Grisham or Mark Geragos.
But let’s be real. We all know that Candidate Trump might be making half-hearted attempts at adult opinions (when he isn’t saying Ted Cruz’s father is an assassin ), but President Trump, if he comes into existence, will be 100% insanity. Grisham or Geragos would be too legit for President Trump. If elected, Trump’s pick for SCOTUS will be, at worst, Bret Michaels and, at best, Matthew McConaughey as Jake Brigance in A Time to Kill.
And so, let’s explore the insanity that will be descend upon the Executive Branch if our next president is the troubled madman known as Donald Trump.
Secretary of State: Sarah Palin
What Trump would say: “We’ve had some real jokes in this role for the last few regimes. Real frauds. Hillary Clinton? John Kerry? Colin Powell? It’s time to have some real leadership in this role. A woman who knows diplomacy. She used to look at Russia every day, every single day, from her kitchen window. Did John Kerry look at Russia every single day? Of course not, and that’s why he has been the worst Secretary of State in the history of America. Hillary Clinton was also the worst Secretary of State in the history of America. They were all the worst. Sarah will be the best.”
Secretary of the Treasury: Bill Rancic (winner of the first season of The Apprentice)
What Trump would say: “I love Bill. Bill Rancic, not Bill Clinton. I hate Bill Clinton. Bill Clinton is a bad man. We don’t need bad men in the White House, unless they’re they kind of bad men I like. We need good bad men, not bad bad men. Bill Rancic is a good good man. He is a motivational speaker. He speaks and he motivates. He worked for me before, and he’s going to work for me again. He’s an entrepreneur, so he knows money. We need a guy in the Treasury who knows money. Bill knows money.”
Secretary of Defense: Goalkeeper Tim Howard
What Trump would say: “You wanna talk defense? This guy knows defense. Saved eight goals in the final game of the World Cup. Eight. We need to make America great again by bringing Tim Howard home. He doesn’t belong overseas. He belongs in America, working for me to keep America defended.”
Secretary of Commerce: Gary Busey
What Trump would say: “Gary knows commerce. He knows commercials. He makes funny commercials. Remember that funny commercial he made? I don’t remember what it was, but it made me laugh. Gary Busey makes me laugh. We need some laughs in the White House. I’m glad he got fired from The Celebrity Apprentice, but he makes me laugh. I might fire him again.”
Secretary of Labor: Tom Brady
What Trump would say: “One of the hardest workers I know, and that’s what we need. A hard worker. Someone who can inspire. I love Tom Brady.”
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Ivanka Trump
What Trump would say: “My daughter is healthy. Have you seen her? Very healthy. Very attractive. Other women are fat and ugly. Or they’re bimbos. Not my daughter. Very pretty daughter. Very healthy. I like healthy people. We need more. More healthy people means a great America.”
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Trump Tower
What Trump would say: “Is it a person? No, no, but it doesn’t need to be. We have enough people on this cabinet already. Too many people. We need something to inspire people! A tower! My tower! America loves towers. I love towers. We lost two towers on September 11th! Never again! We need more towers! Trump tower will inspire poor people to buy the houses they need! It will inspire urban people to get developed! A great tower!”
Secretary of Transportation: Jason Statham
What Trump would say: “I want diversity on my cabinet. Jason brings diversity. You know why? He’s from England. I love English people. They’re worse than Americans, but I still love them. Americans are the best. I love Jason. I love The Transporter. I own it on Blu-Ray. I’ve seen it a lot. A lot. I love The Transporter.”
Secretary of Energy: Chris Christie
What Trump would say: “People wondered why Christie endorsed me. We made a deal. I make deals. I told him: ‘Chris, hey Chris, cabinet appointment.’ But I didn’t tell him which one. Gave him energy. Christie needs some energy. Needs to lose some weight. See what I did? I make deals. Taught Chris Christie a lesson. He works for me now.”
Secretary of Education: Rick Perry
What Trump will say: “Common core is bad. Education is bad in his country. We need good education. We need education to be good again. Rick Perry was right, you remember Rick Perry? He said we should get rid of three departments. He only knew two, but one of the two was Education. And he was right. No more education. There can be education, yes, there will be education, but not a department for it. Too many departments. Rick Perry was right. Rick Perry, you’re right. Rick Perry, you’re fired. No more departments of education. Not in the America that is great again.”
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Jesse Ventura
What Trump would say: “Remember Jesse? Great actor, great wrester, great politician. And he’s a veteran. I love Jesse Ventura. He wants to run with me, but I said no. Didn’t let him. Jesse belongs in my cabinet. He was in Predator. Remember Predator? Great movie.”
Secretary of Agriculture: American Pharaoh
What Trump would say: “I already told you, too many people on this cabinet. Too many people. So we got a horse. A smart horse, a fast horse, everyone’s favorite horse. Athlete of the year in 2015. Great horse. My favorite horse. Horses know agriculture. Horses know farms. Most horses live on farms. Great horse.”
Secretary of Homeland Security: Gun Zimmerman
What Trump would say: “We have to stand our ground. And you know who did that? George Zimmerman. But not just George. He had his gun too. I have a name for that little hero. I call it Gun Zimmerman. I know someone bought that gun, some brave patriot, I know. But we will get that gun back where it belongs, here in the Trump House, and we will give it the title it deserves. Keeping our homeland secure. I love guns and I love America.”
Attorney General: John Grisham
What Trump would say: “The Democrats and the Republican Establishment, they said Grisham can’t sit on the supreme court. I said that’s fine. I can negotiate. I know deals. I make deals. Grisham is my Attorney General. He works for me now. You ever seen The Firm? How about The Pelican Brief? He wrote those movies. Those are smart movies. Those are movies for smart people. He’s smart. I love smart people. We need smart people leading this country again.”
Ambassador to the United Nations: Dennis Rodman
What Trump would say: “Obama is a fool. He had a great ambassador the entire time he was in office, and never even noticed him. No one took Dennis seriously. I take Dennis seriously. He’s a good athlete and a good ambassador. I trust him. He’s my friend. I like athletes.”
Vice President: Vacant.
What Trump would say: “Why would I need an assistant? I don’t need one. I’m a real man. I’m not gonna die in office. I’m not gonna resign. I’m gonna be a good president. Only bad presidents, weak presidents, need Vice Presidents. Not me.” (To give credit where credit is due, GQ also kinda did this VP joke already and explored all the other likely Trump VP picks.)
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