Brief Interviews of Ice and Fire: The Sand Snake Seven

The following is a conversation regarding both the A Song of Ice and Fire books and the Game of Thrones television show.  It contains spoilers for the five ASOIAF books and the show through Season Five, Episode Four.

DF: Did you watch last night?

TEB:  I did.  It felt like it was just a murder montage.

DF: Bronn and Jaime were fun

TEB: They were.  And I’m totally fine with the book and show being different.  They are separate in my mind.  And maybe there is no way to make the Sand Snakes not suck, but do they have to suck that much?

DF: I’ve always considered the sand snakes to be the worst plotline in the novels.

TEB: It was just: “Here we are.   In our desert tent.  With, uh, a carpet.  And no shovels.  But we buried this guy up to his head.  And apparently we don’t need food or anything?  Do we live here?  How did our step-mother find us?”

Welcome to our torture interrogation tent.
Welcome to our torture interrogation tent.

DF: In the books, they’re nonsense.  They watered them down for the show, but they’re still nonsense.

TEB: Are you sure they’re watered down?  They didn’t have much substance in the books.  We simply don’t have as many to keep track of in the show.

DF: Watered down isn’t the best description.  Although they do seem pretty one dimensional.

TEB: I don’t think anything would make this plot good, unless, you know, they get treated as characters, and not a half baked idea with no execution.  There’s no reason that sexy assassins are inherently bad.  The problem is that they are sexy assassins who only speak exposition and exist in a sandy Spanish vacuum.

DF: They only spoke exposition to such an extent that the scene almost felt like it was added by a stubborn producer who insisted the Sand Snakes needed to be introduced through an exclusively expository scene.

TEB: And their plot seems to be “Oberyn had some Spanish kids who are probably going to kill Bronn.”

DF: I’m worried that there is no way Bronn is getting out of Dorne alive.   I don’t want Bronn to die, but at least we are getting more out of him than we did in A Feast for Crows.

TEB: The only way he lives is if Jaime dies.  I’m thinking Bronn might betray him, because he cares about Tyrion.

DF: I do like the tension between those two.  Even if it was a little overstated.

TEB: Maybe the Sand Snakes won’t be in it again?  That’s all we get?

DF: That would be absurd.

TEB: Best case scenario.  They were only used to establish what happened to the ship captain.

DF: The whole scene was half-assed.  But I guess I was talking during the part with the ship’s captain, and hadn’t even noticed he was a character until he was buried in sand.  But what could make the Sand Snakes good?

TEB: We can’t forget that they’re basically the same premise as Quentin Tarantino’s Fox Force Five, down to the alliteration.  Don’t forget that, in the book, Oberyn leaves seven Sand Snakes mourning his death.

Oberyn Martell.  Cool guy, disappointing legacy.
Oberyn Martell. Cool guy, disappointing legacy.

DF: Yeah.  They’re such complete caricatures of dangerous woman, down to one being an expert in poison.

TEB: The only rationale I can think of for the SS is that some one is trying to sell GoT Toys, and they want to flush out the offerings to include more fighting women.  ‘Pouting Power Brienne’ and ‘Arya The Boy-Killer’ toys both have some what limited appeal.

DF: Although there is now a whole line of Sansa options, ranging from Sweet Summer Child Sansa to Return-to-Winterfell Gothic Sansa.

TEB: Zombie Lady Stark probably wouldn’t sell all that well either.

DF: Speaking of resurrected characters, is there any red magic in Meereen?  Not only is Barristan Selmy apparently dead, but it completely shoots to pieces the entire Queenslayer theory, and has made one of my most recent blog posts completely irrelevant.

TEB: He won’t get to do his really cool fight either.  Apparently that might be Jorah now?

DF: Poor Barristan.

TEB: Good night, sweet Grandpa Knight.


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