Six Months of Search Terms: Wolverine, His Beard, and The Strange Searches That Lead People Here

A few years ago, I wrote a blog post called The Maramduke Fart Paradox, in which I discussed the strange search engine terms that lead people to this website. Among them was “keanu reeves girlfriend 2011,” “mob bosses with sunglasses,” and a wide variety of questions about the ’90s film Blank Check.

Well, the search terms have never stopped being strange. Here are some of the more interesting ones that have lead people to this site.  Presumably some of them left satisfied, some left immediately, and others left far more confused than they were before they visited.

I’ve also decided to do this in the form of a top ten list, because everyone likes top ten lists. But with 14 because I couldn’t narrow it down to 10.

14. skyfall proof that james bond isnt a codename

Whoever ended up here was certainly disappointed, as I consider Skyfall to be proof that James is definitely a codename. Other 007-specific search terms include james bond is a codename, james bond fight, james bond theory, and is james bonds codename 007? (The answer to the last one is undebatebly yes.)

13. matthew mcconaughey as jake in the sun also rises

Wow.  That’s a really cool idea. Not sure if it would work, but yeah, cool idea.

The lone star also rises.
The lone star also rises.

Continue reading “Six Months of Search Terms: Wolverine, His Beard, and The Strange Searches That Lead People Here”

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Why Vin Diesel Should Be the Next James Bond

We are close to the end of what is, quite possibly, the greatest franchise ever: The Fast and the Furious films.  While I initially disliked these movies, (referring to the fifth installment, prior to actually seeing it, as “more-or-less the same shitty movie they made the last four times”), I had a change in opinion after seeing Fast Five.  Sure, I’m still uncomfortable being lumped into the same category as the kinds of people who choose to see films that are fast/furious, because I drive a station wagon and because I get the impression that many of the films’ fans (although, notably, not their creators) place a higher value on people driving fast cars quickly than they do on character development, realistic dialogue, or really any aspect of films other than cool shiny fancy cars.

But all of my arguments against the Fast/Furious Films are ultimately irrelevant because of one thing: they are very, very entertaining.

Furthermore, there is nothing pretentious or forced about these films.  In fact, they’ve been (rightfully) praised for their progressive approach to race and gender (you can find good articles on the genius and progressive attitude of these films here, here, and here, among many other places) .  The Fast/Furious films feature a variety of talented actors, brilliant cinematography, and clever, straight-forward, emotionally-driven plots on par with the original Die Hard.  Additionally, while most franchises lose steam after the second or third sequel, the Fast/Furious films have both maintained all the positives of their first installment (family drama, moral conflicts, cool cars) while continually diversifying and innovating (shifting emphasis from racing to heisting, adding talented actors such as Dwayne Johnson, Tony Jaa, and Jason Statham).  And yes, I have previously written about this shift in my perspective, in the post Why Bale should be in the “Fast Five” Sequel.

Unfortunately, it seems like that Fastest Seven is the end of the franchise.  Paul Walker’s death, along with the inevitable ending of all franchises, means that the Fast and the Furious cannot exist forever.

Similarly, Daniel Craig cannot be James Bond forever.

I'm not saying this guy isn't a great Bond.  He's a great Bond.  But change is inevitable.
I’m not saying this guy isn’t a great Bond. He’s a great Bond. But change is inevitable.

While, yes, Craig will portray Bond in 2015’s Spectre, it’s unlikely that he has too many good Bond films left in him.  Audiences grow bored, actors grow stale, and the dark-and-gritty-reboot seems to be on its way out.

The next step is simple: Vin Diesel as the first American James Bond.

See, he has worn a suit before.
Here he is, in a suit.  Is it that far of a stretch?

Continue reading “Why Vin Diesel Should Be the Next James Bond”

Why Bale should be in the “Fast Five” Sequel

What Should Bale Do must issue an apology.  Previously on this blog, it was stated that the Fast & Furious franchise is in need of a reboot starring Bale (i.e. a Bale-Out). However, after viewing Fast Five, it is clear that the franchise does not need any rebooting, rebranding, re-imagining, or any of the above.  What it needs is yet another magnificent sequel in this mind-blowing, innovative franchise… with Christian Bale as the newest co-star.

You might be asking yourself, why?  The Fast & Furious films are not the typical films in Bale’s repertoire.  Which can be answered with a simple: exactly.

Look at these all-stars. They’re only missing one key player.

For all the mockery they receive, there is a certain inalienable truth to the Fast and Furious Films: they are enjoyable.  Wildly, shamelessly enjoyable.  The first ten minutes involve a really intense bus crash (during which no one gets hurt), some really intense dialogue, a car driving out of a train, an explosion on a train, some punching and shooting, more intense dialogue, and a car driving off a cliff into a river with Paul Walker and Vin Diesel jumping out of the car and falling next to it so they all fall into the river together. Continue reading “Why Bale should be in the “Fast Five” Sequel”

The Sound and The Furious, Continued

Remember when I suggested that The Sound and the Furious be made? (If you don’t remember, click the link).  Recall,  “the other option would be to just make Five Fast, Five Furious, more-or-less the same shitty movie they made the last four times.”

Welp, they did that. I realize it’s old news, but because it has not been talked about yet, it must be dicussed now.  Now we have to hope that instead of The Six Fast, Furious, Etc., someone will realize the huge potential of a Faulkner-inspired prequel/spinoff starring Christian Bale.

Seriously.

Imagine this:
  Plus This:
But with these instead of cars:

And starring Christian Bale as the anti-hero.

Why would they choose to make Fast Five instead?

The Sound and the Furious

Is there really any need for another installment in the “The Fast and the Furious” franchise? A pessimist would say no. But an optimist (who is also a Bale fan and a Faulkner buff) would see this as a chance for a whole new beginning.

The film must be set in the world of racing, to stay in the same canon as the previous four films. However, there will be several changes in setting. Our time is the “Golden Age of Thoroughbred Racing,” also known as the 1920s, and the location is Yoknapatawpha County in Mississippi. Our three main characters are ripped straight from The Sound and The Fury: Edward Norton as depressed Quincy, Phillip Seymour Hoffman as the mentally-handicapped Benjy, as Christian Bale as racist anti-hero Jason.

The Sound and the Furious will involve similar themes as first four films: racing, sex, and acting tough. Yet it will be flawlessly combined with Faulknerian themes and techniques such as crumbling legacies, racial conflicts, and stream-of-consciousness narration (the film will feature voiceover shifting between the three central characters.)

The other option would be to just make “Five Fast, Five Furious,” more-or-less the same shitty movie they made the last four times.