Pirates of the Caribbean: The Chateau of Bluebeard

If Bale and Depp are really to have a show-down (see previous post), and for it to be more satisfying than Public Enemies (in which Bale did not get enough screen time), the plot will have to be pared down into a psychological thriller centered around the old French folk tale Bluebeard.  The film will be entitled Pirates of the Caribbean: The Chateau of Bluebeard, and will follow the tale of Kiera Knightley’s character leaving Orlando Bloom (because he is too boring), and marrying instead the charming, unpredictable, mystery-enshrouded Bluebeard, a French aristocrat with an unclear past.

While Captain Jack is off fighting Blackbeard, the Squid Man, and Geoffrey Rush, Knightley is grappling with her new husband’s secrets: the most shocking of which is that he has a room in his castle full of his dead wives (because this is loyal to its source matter, and that’s what happens in the fairy tale which is told to French children every day.) She resorts to her only option, which is calling upon her ex-husband, Orlando, who is immediately murdered by Bluebeard.  Leaving Jack Sparrow as her last resort, and resulting in a competition between Bale and Depp to see which one of them is really capable of going completely overboard.

Now, Bale is no stranger to playing characters who kill off the minor female characters, whether it’s because he insisted on tying a Langsford Double, or because he recited Whitney Houston to them before chasing them down a hallway with a chainsaw, in his underwear.

So not only is Bale completely cut out to play this character, but he could start immediately, as he already has the beard.  Check out this illustration of La Barbe Bleu, courtesy of Wikipedia:

Now compare it to Bale’s current beard:

This would also be his first chance to do an over-the-top French accent.  Someone better make this happen quick, before he shaves.  Also, because it’s another one of these damned Pirates movies, they could kill Bale off at the end, then bring him back as the hero in the next one.


  1. >I would also like to see Claire Danes as one of the dead wives. And make sure she and Johansson do not have speaking roles in flashback. I want them dead the entire time.

  2. >and then mark walberg will come and kill Bale. love the dead wives…can't get enough of that. No blonds please….sick of period pieces with blonds….absurd. ….unless it's a bunch a nordic wives who married bluebeard of course. How about it turns out that it's one of the wives who does the killing tho? one tough nordic chick, think girl with the dragon tatoo. Maybe they only use the other wives for breeding purposes and when they don't produce a son…they are no longer useful….sort of like Henry 8.

  3. >Kate Hudson and Nicole Kidman can also be dead wives. It will be difficult to determine whether Kidman is dead or not if judging strictly by appearance so may want to chop off her head just to make sure.

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