Thirteen Ways to Fill the Flat Circle After Season Two of True Detective

Well, Season Two is over. Whether you are satisfied with the ending or not, chances are that you are a little bummed that you don’t get to watch it next week. Lucky for you, we have a list of things to watch and read if you are a fan of True Detective. Time might be a flat circle, but it doesn’t mean it all has to be the same thing.

Watch David Lynch’s Twin Peaks

If you’re trying to jump straight into another show, especially one with a murder and detectives and dream sequences and unconventional storylines, then here you go. The show is created by genius David Lynch, who also wrote and directed many of the episodes. It’s also populated with dark humor and strange mysteries, some of which, like the mysteries in True Detective, will remain unsolved.

A moment from the Twin Peaks pilot.
A moment from the Twin Peaks pilot.

Watch Bored to Death on HBO

If, on the other hand, you still want mystery but you’re craving some levity after all the murder and collusion and darkness, try Bored to Death. It stars Jason Schwartzman as Jonathan Ames, a struggling writer and Craigslist-using unlicensed private detective, Zach Galifinakis as his illustrator best friend, and Ted Danson as his wealthy, childish, editor boss. Like True Detective, there are disappearances and blackmailers, but the tone is lighter and the jokes abundant.  Continue reading “Thirteen Ways to Fill the Flat Circle After Season Two of True Detective”

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The Top Ten Christian Bale Films of 2013

A lot of movies happened in 2013.  Only a few of them had Bale in them, but many were connected to Bale, either through themes, tone, extended universes, future sequels, Nolan-esque qualities, etc.  This is a list of the Top Ten Christian Bale films, whether or not they actually had Christian Bale in them.

10. Man of Steel

It’s on the list, but barely.  The strangest thing about this movie has to be that it’s ostensibly a gritty reboot, yet it still features basically the exact same opening as the Superman movie from the 1970s.  Why so boring?

Try making it through the alien-explosion-flying scene at the beginning of Man of Steel and still call it a "gritty reboot" with a straight face.
Try making it through the alien-explosion-flying scene at the beginning of Man of Steel and still call it a “gritty reboot” with a straight face.

9.  The Great Gatsby

The success of The Great Gatsby demands a sequel, setting things up nicely for DiCaprio and Bale to make The Greater Gatsby in the next few years. Continue reading “The Top Ten Christian Bale Films of 2013”

The Marmaduke Fart Paradox and What Should Bale Do

Try googling “marmaduke fart.”  No?  Does that not interest you?  Are you not entertained by what could only be an endless supply of humorous web pages centering around Marmaduke and farts?

If you have decided to type “Marmaduke fart” into a search engine, you probably notice that the blog I Hate Your Favorite Movie is on the first page of your results.  If you click on IHYFM, you will then notice that this is actually a rather intelligent blog that has very little to do with Marmaduke or farts.   Please, check it out if you don’t understand.

This is what is called the Marmaduke Fart Paradox.  Of course, everyone wants their blogs to be read… even if they are being read by people who only visit it once, are disappointed by a lack of the content they were searching for, and don’t come again.  And to have a blog that shows up on the first page of a search term?  That’s ideal… the catch, of course, being that it’s for dog-centric potty humor.

What Should Bale Do gets a fair amount of our traffic from search engine terms.  The good thing is that some of these are clearly from people who are potentially interested in what WSBD has to say: the number one search leading to this site is “bret easton ellis twitter” or “bret easton ellis 24 year old” or something else along those lines.  Which is excellent, because there actually is a post on here entirely about Bret Easton Ellis’s Twitter account.  The same goes for “batman george bush.”  If you end up at What Should Bale Do with such a search, you should find something along the lines of what you’re looking for.

Unfortunately, not all of the search terms that lead here are in the same boat.  Here are some of the more interesting searches that lead people to this site:

Continue reading “The Marmaduke Fart Paradox and What Should Bale Do”

Why Bale should be in the “Fast Five” Sequel

What Should Bale Do must issue an apology.  Previously on this blog, it was stated that the Fast & Furious franchise is in need of a reboot starring Bale (i.e. a Bale-Out). However, after viewing Fast Five, it is clear that the franchise does not need any rebooting, rebranding, re-imagining, or any of the above.  What it needs is yet another magnificent sequel in this mind-blowing, innovative franchise… with Christian Bale as the newest co-star.

You might be asking yourself, why?  The Fast & Furious films are not the typical films in Bale’s repertoire.  Which can be answered with a simple: exactly.

Look at these all-stars. They’re only missing one key player.

For all the mockery they receive, there is a certain inalienable truth to the Fast and Furious Films: they are enjoyable.  Wildly, shamelessly enjoyable.  The first ten minutes involve a really intense bus crash (during which no one gets hurt), some really intense dialogue, a car driving out of a train, an explosion on a train, some punching and shooting, more intense dialogue, and a car driving off a cliff into a river with Paul Walker and Vin Diesel jumping out of the car and falling next to it so they all fall into the river together. Continue reading “Why Bale should be in the “Fast Five” Sequel”

The Sound and The Furious, Continued

Remember when I suggested that The Sound and the Furious be made? (If you don’t remember, click the link).  Recall,  “the other option would be to just make Five Fast, Five Furious, more-or-less the same shitty movie they made the last four times.”

Welp, they did that. I realize it’s old news, but because it has not been talked about yet, it must be dicussed now.  Now we have to hope that instead of The Six Fast, Furious, Etc., someone will realize the huge potential of a Faulkner-inspired prequel/spinoff starring Christian Bale.

Seriously.

Imagine this:
  Plus This:
But with these instead of cars:

And starring Christian Bale as the anti-hero.

Why would they choose to make Fast Five instead?

The Sound and the Furious

Is there really any need for another installment in the “The Fast and the Furious” franchise? A pessimist would say no. But an optimist (who is also a Bale fan and a Faulkner buff) would see this as a chance for a whole new beginning.

The film must be set in the world of racing, to stay in the same canon as the previous four films. However, there will be several changes in setting. Our time is the “Golden Age of Thoroughbred Racing,” also known as the 1920s, and the location is Yoknapatawpha County in Mississippi. Our three main characters are ripped straight from The Sound and The Fury: Edward Norton as depressed Quincy, Phillip Seymour Hoffman as the mentally-handicapped Benjy, as Christian Bale as racist anti-hero Jason.

The Sound and the Furious will involve similar themes as first four films: racing, sex, and acting tough. Yet it will be flawlessly combined with Faulknerian themes and techniques such as crumbling legacies, racial conflicts, and stream-of-consciousness narration (the film will feature voiceover shifting between the three central characters.)

The other option would be to just make “Five Fast, Five Furious,” more-or-less the same shitty movie they made the last four times.