“Please stop calling here, Adele.”

A dialogue with Adele, from the perspective of the person she should not be calling. All of Adele’s lyrics are from the song “Hello.” The Audience’s lyrics are invented for this dialogue.

adele

Audience: Hello?

Adele: Hello, it’s me.

Audience: Adele?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet.

Audience: Why would I want to do that?

Adele: To go over everything.

Audience: I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Adele: They say that time’s supposed to heal ya, but I ain’t done much healing.

Audience: ….

Adele: Hello, can you hear me?

Audience: Yes. But I, um, I think I’m gonna hang up.

Adele: I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be.

Audience: Adele, I need to go.

Adele:  When we were younger and free. I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet.

Audience: Didn’t you get married?

Adele: There’s such a difference between us. And a million miles

Audience: Well, yeah. I agree with that. We’re very different. You’re a celebrity now, right?

Adele: Hello from the other side.

Audience: I’m gonna hang up.

Adele: I must’ve called a thousand times to tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done. But when I call you never seem to be home.

Audience: Yeah. I must have a thousand intentionally-missed calls. I’m blocking your number. (Audience hangs up.)

Phone rings.

Audience: Hello?

Adele: Hello from the outside.

Audience: What the fuck. Did you change your number?

Adele: At least I can say that I’ve tried.

Audience: Tried what?

Adele:  To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart. But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore.

Audience: Yep. You’re a complete narcissist. I don’t think about you at all. Don’t call here again. (Audience hangs up).

Time passes. Phone rings.

Audience: Hello?

Adele: Hello, how are you?

Audience: Did you change your number again?

Adele: It’s so typical of me to talk about myself. I’m sorry.

Audience: Yes, yes it is.

Adele: I hope that you’re well. Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

Audience: I enjoy living here.

Adele: It’s no secret that the both of us are running out of time.

Audience: Aren’t you married? And you have a kid? I swear I heard you had a kid.

Adele: So hello from the other side. I must’ve called a thousand times to tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done but when I call you never seem to be home.

Audience: I’m intentionally not answering. But yeah, while you were talking I just looked it up on Wikipedia. You have a boyfriend and a three year old. Why don’t you focus on them and leave me alone?

Adele: Hello from the outside.

Audience: When you say outside… you’re not literally outside my house, are you?

Adele: At least I can say that I’ve tried to tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart. But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart. Anymore. Anymore. Anymore. Anymore.

Audience hangs up.

Adele: Hello from the other side.

Audience: What are you doing here? This is worse than when you showed up out of the blue uninvited just to remind me that for you it wasn’t over.

Adele: I must’ve called a thousand times to tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done. But when I call you never seem to be home

Audience (on the phone): Hello? Police? Someone is trying to break into my house.

Adele: Hello from the outside.

Police: Ma’am, please come with us.

Adele: At least I can say that I’ve tried to tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart. But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore.

Police lead Adele away in handcuffs. Audience breathes easily.

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